Sunday, July 17, 2011

Lava and Ice

PhotoBy: Rosie Hardy














Black lava erupts
white flames of rats
bent tails of deceit
foam over charcoal, caramel and ice
why frozen blue stares
are those secrets not nice

Once fairy helpers
pumpkin carriages ride
magic covered ashes
cinder secret bequeath
princess twirling in clouds
music fades at midnight
bewitched dusts settles
soon as the hour strike

Dawn dances of shadows
repaint every faces
white sighs beseech
rising sash of smoke
crimson drops of envy
guarding entrance to my door
my prince can't follow
chimney my new fellow

to dust shall I return
in wanders of sorrow
thirsty from kisses
icy blue tears
weaving strands of charcoal
fabric of wayward tales

Scattered glass slippers
remaining white hat of rat
gowns of mists
chariot of past
gentle prodding of love
surrendering hours of wait
for white horse hooves
pounding basement of my heart
surviving rains of lava
til white light reigns


* Note: This was written in response to a photo prompt challenge posted at one stop poetry.

The photo above is by the incredibly talented photographer: Rosie Hardy. Her contact info:

Twitter: @rosie_hardy
Website: http://www.rosiehardy.com/
Client Website: http://rosiehardyphotography.4ormat.com/

Initial Draft (I wrote below initial revision rather quickly, thinking in the realm of #micropoetry. Then I read dustus's entry, and realized I have a bit more room to maneuver and potentially tell a story.  So I thought about the white mice who drove Cinderella's carriage and wrote the second revision above. I kept the original here as it pertains to the first few comments posted:


Black lava erupts
white flames of rats
bent tails of deceit
foam over charcoal, caramel and ice

why frozen blue eyes
are your secrets not nice
begging for forgiveness
or pleading new shine

claws of the lenses
locked you behind frames
tossing away keys
so solidly your stories sealed

thirsty from kisses
gentle prodding of love
surviving rains of pests
until white light reigns

If you don't mind, please feel free to tell me which revision appeals more to you? I am new to this so would love some input. 

16 comments:

  1. The end strikes me as a hopeful description of death. Your open stanza is amazing. Her top a volcanic eruption of mice lava. Love that! wow. Very creative.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Quite a bit of sadness in this but beautifully depicted

    ReplyDelete
  3. hope that light arrives in time...your imagery, particularly int he opening stanza are top notch

    ReplyDelete
  4. ..charcoal, caramel and ice..that captures it quite good..and i second bri rgd. the opening stanza

    ReplyDelete
  5. Why frozen blue eyes
    are your secrets not nice
    staring out in time

    Interesting take on the picture, well done!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm loving the sort of fairy tale gone wrong feel of this. This is my first visit. I enjoyed reading this!

    ReplyDelete
  7. bent tails of deceit - my favorite line. I too love this twisted Cinderella tale ... keep writing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I actually favored the earlier, rough draft version. Love the gone wrong feel... realistic, yet full of imagery more colorful.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love it.

    Which draft I liked the most?
    Well...

    The final result is more... Polished?
    But the first draft seems more sincere.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hmm, I think I like the second one better. You weave lovely word pictures. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a wonderful poem! It's very haunting.

    Both versions are fine! I did like the Cinderella imagery of the first though. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for your wonderful comments. This is my first try at One Stop Poetry so I am grateful and encouraged by your support.

    Dustus - you inspired me to write longer into the second revision. Thanks.

    Kodjo - I suppose her eyes look a bit sad.

    Brian - This was a fun exercise on that which I enjoyed.

    Claudia - I agree and thanks for picking out my favorite line too.

    Chroma - Being different is a great compliment. Thank you.

    Fireblossom - Thank you and please come back.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Margret - yep in second revision that came out in a flash, I'm proud of that line.


    Reflections - interesting. I'm glad I brought it back too. It's quite different.


    MDIAS - Well put. I guess that's the trade off between writing from the heart vs the brain?


    Karen - Thanks. It's a fairy tale favorite!


    Melee - Haunting seeps out this still photo to me so... I've been enjoying your stories and am looking forward to more.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I really liked the cadence of this piece. Very interesting images you call to mind.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Shopgirl- The imagery and word play here is wonderful. From the draft to the final you can see how you had fun challenging yourself with this poem.

    Glad you introduced us to Rosie, too.

    (Mean to say, in last comment, I like your new profile message, as well. I see more confidence!)

    ReplyDelete

Reply?

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...