Monday, January 17, 2011

If I Had the Morning Free

For a time, a time and a half and then some, my morning conference calls and email correspondences would begin at as early as 4am.  As I'd routinely wake up without the aid of an alarm at 3am, this wasn't a problem so much as a specialized schedule.  But some days, as I careen myself into the telephone, speaking about things I thought faintly warrant a debate about over lingo I struggled to understand, I said to myself, I wish I had a morning free, just once.
Be careful of what you wish for, a voice replied.
What would you do if you had the morning free?

Well..., Let's see.

I would have a proper lavender bath, slather on a cold ginseng mask straight out of the fridge, and put on the words of "Starting Your Day Right " until it sings a smile into my heart, instead of rushing through a lukewarm shower while meditating on the delicate balance of politics versus teamwork, P&L versus spirits and morals, strategy versus daydreaming.

I would properly drop the kid off at school by walking with him, greeting the crossing guard and classmates with smiles and appropriate words. I'd give him a hug, a homemade lunch and a wish for a great day, instead of practically tossing him out while the car is still considering sliding further into the curb, shouting "hurry, the second (final) bell just rang!"

I would linger in the warm embraces of the morning sun streaming through my window, lighting up my curtains and my soul, instead of saying goodbye too early with a longing and a grudging noise of regret when I rush into the dark damp dungeon that is my garage.

I would sit on my ten year old desk and open my brand new journal and pour out my thoughts, tell my stories and connect with the world of written words with a flick of my wrist, a peer into my past, a tug on my heart, and a deep desire to be heard, instead of sitting in perpetual traffic, road raging and contemplating joining the league of those cutting me off, whom I can not beat.

I would finally write that letter to Phillip, my fourteen year old orphan (who lost both parents to AIDS) in Africa, in my own words instead of the masks of strength and encouragements I put on, tinged with just a smudge of patronizing superiority in the rush of time commitments.  I'd tell him how much he has blessed me through his story of survival and perseverance, and how fortunate we all are to be able to connect in hope and faith regardless of where, how, who, when and why.  I may tell him a little story about being left behind by my own parents when I was young, of how it had changed me forever, though it may take up all the paper in the allotment and more, tear smudges not withstanding.

I would breathe easy, and shed the heavy coat of guilt, inadequacy, fear and shame, and walk out in whatever I feel like wearing, in body and in spirit, rather than what I know the world or the office, could tolerate to see me in. 

I would pray to a God of love instead of one of rules and regulations and of causes and effects, I would hum praises of compassion instead of thinking thoughts of judgments from human perceptions.  I would wear my roles on the stage of life like a bouquet of feathers in my hair, rather than as a suit of armors.

I would live those brief moments free, to do justice to that offer of reprieve, before returning to my regular old self of over-thinking and overdoing, and fail as I might, be comfortable in that skin too.

24 comments:

  1. Wow. Stunningly put together and heart breakingly honest. I hope you get a morning free sometime.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow. Amazingly comforting words, I was really unsure about posting this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Such an open and generous post. Beautiful pictures painted with your descriptions and lovely contrasts too.

    Just delightful.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Brilliant. You didn't have to worry about publishing this post, it's not "over sharing" as you said on Twitter. It's really wonderfully written. I could almost imagine your perfect free morning.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is your best post yet, really an absolutely knockout piece of writing. I don't know when you will get a morning free, but thank goodness you had enough time to write this. I loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Really beautiful post. Loved it. Not oversharing at all.

    I'm glad you managed to find time to write this.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just stopped in to see what you're sharing here on your blog since you were kind enough to visit mine. This is a beautiful post. A few years ago, when I owned my own home business, I yearned for occasional days when there would be no demands on me or my time. Instead, I invested in a laptop and on nice mornings would take my work out onto the back deck. We have a very private yard with woods behind us, so I could breathe in the evergreen-scented air, hear the birds and enjoy the sunshine while I did my preliminary tasks. It wasn't a totally free morning, but it was the next best thing on a workday.

    I'll be back to check out some of your other posts. Happy writing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, this was an amazing post. I really like your use of description and contradictions. Your words easily paint a very vivid picture in my mind and even inspire me too! Keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
  9. What are you waiting for, my dear girl? No one else can find the free moment for you except yourself. Otherwise, what's the guarantee that you won't find more things to do, even if the free moments you long for are pushed before you? Once given into habits, it's hard to break free from it. So, you need to go after the free time you dream of rather than waiting for it to come to you.
    And when it comes, don't forget to enjoy it! of you.Other

    ReplyDelete
  10. i'd also want a morning free. i love how you manage to word out the desires of your heart, how you do things in a certain way but wish to do differently. oohh how nice it would be to free from pressure.. even just one day.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes, to have a free morning... I'm trying to imagine, although I do force (force is key) free moments here and there when at all possible. Imagine setting out about town or to the office in your pjs?!
    Loved this post, Shopgirl. Precious.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sounds perfect. You are wonderful.

    http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  13. Beautiful post. Your description is so vivid and believable. I was smiling reading the part about walking your son to school.

    ReplyDelete
  14. SFW -

    I'm so glad you said that as that is what I've always wanted to do, paint a picture in readers' minds.

    Starlight -

    I'm coming out of my shells slowly but surly.

    MLS -

    I'm glad you liked it. It really means a lot. I am a bit unsure how it all came together in the end but I'm honored you loved it. It has truly made my day.

    Baglady -

    I'm glad it worked in the end. This was, I suppose, drafted and edited in my head for quit a long time before coming down into words on paper.

    Carol Gavin -

    I enjoyed your site and I'm so glad you decided to visit mine. It is also rewarding to hear someone can relate to my writing in a personal way. Your morning (free) sounds just lovely.

    Kristen -

    Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot to hear I painted a picture. A high praise indeed.

    Precious -

    I suppose you are saying I should seize the moments, and I suppose there is truth in that. I've found writing whenever I can, not just when the time is right to be a definite healing experience so far.

    Maria -

    That is all I started with I suppose, "desires of my heart". So I'm glad you enjoyed and related to that.

    Jayne -

    The kids have "pjs" days and it makes me envious sometimes. I have been making some changes in my life to enable more "freedom". I hope you go after your imaginations one of these days.

    Fickle Cattle -

    Thank you!

    Michelle -

    I am so glad you were smiling. Thanks for the visit.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Your post just made me feel guilty of what I'd do on my free morning :) It involved a lot of sleep, eating cupcakes without the ever present guilt and watching that movie I always fall asleep in.

    Thank you for leaving such a nice comment on my blog; I'm glad you found me so that I could find you now :) Looking forward to reading some more of your writing!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ladytruth -

    Thanks for stopping by, I should add that to my list, though we eat quit a good load of donuts at work here. Then on Sunday mornings too. Sleep,yes. Definitely a great one to add.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Cathy/grace point groupJanuary 18, 2011 at 1:01 PM

    Because the free mornings are so far and few between for me I too love to be able to indulge in simple pleasures when I get one. Thanks for the numerous and wonderful ideas of what I can look forward to on my next free morning off!! I hope you have a free morning very soon. Indulge-joyfully!

    ReplyDelete
  18. It is very beautiful because it is real - It was the real feeling that you had at the moment and it is the real feeling that lots people can relate to. Who does not want such a wonderful morning to live just for themselves?!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Cathy - iam glad it opened up some thoughts there. It is always great to hear when the reader can do that in response to a piece of writing. Thank you indeed.

    Anonymous- its A lovely thing to hear that someone can relate to it. Thanks for your lovely comments.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I loved this, Shopgirl! It made me wish for a morning or a moment of my own! I look forward to reading more of your posts!

    ReplyDelete
  21. That was beautiful. I hope you get the morning off because you would definitely do a lot more good with it than I could ever have imagined.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Spirit Dance -

    I love it when a reader can relate so much. Ditto.

    Barbra -

    Thank you!

    Nari -

    Thanks for the well wishes. Not at all with regards to "do goods", this is a wish list, my actions never reach as far as my thoughts, but it's a start!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I just want to tell you I am *so* enjoying what you have to say. Beautiful post!

    ReplyDelete

Reply?

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...