Thursday, August 18, 2016

Inside Out

The heat of summer days has a way of turning everything inside out. Another fire has erupted in South LA, charring through bushes brittled by desert droughts. We are still far from needing to worry, about an actual fire, that is. Our pavement looks parched, lit, in fact, by boundless rays of white flames floating between its bone-dry surface and the cloudless skies.

It hurts my eyes to look.

The beach carries a high tide and the last of the summer crowds. A good number of schools have reopened for fall, reclaiming those families from the sand. The swells are adolescent small, but the ocean is glassy. I run on the wet sand, passing groups of surf-camper kids too young to fall into the clutches of schools. Their moms watch from the pier above, face tied into knots. A group of surfers pass me dripping salt and sand, surf board leashes. A bald man in a low camp chair hugs a professional camera between his legs, its long range lens pointed at me.

I wave.

News would reveal later that the US swimmers may have lied about being robbed in Rio, Brazil at gunpoint to cover up a bathroom incident. It reminds me of searching for bathrooms on New Year's eve in that tight little square in Hong Kong, while waiting for the ball to drop, the countdown to begin. Mike had been drinking as we walked along the crowded sidewalks, listening to the sounds of celebration and felt at peace for being by ourselves, strange for being in a country where one's allowed to drink on the sidewalk. The evening hadn't resulted in anything but fireworks for us. The bathroom lines had been ridiculous, impossible. But Mike found a way in and I had spent the evening dry in anticipation of such problems. Less lucky for those swimmers, being pulled off the plane and spending the night in a Brazilian police station doesn't seem like their idea of fun.

Mike had also been robbed in Rio after returning alone from a party. He was doing a six month study aboard program there. He moved back after the incident, ending the program midway.

There is a lot I don't know about Brazil, the world or myself. It is impossible to find a mirror that can shine the light on one's inside. And for something that much bigger than yourself you simply lose perspective in the same way that is still different--an ant crawling through the forest trail can't see or anticipate dapples of sunlight filtering through the canopy. It is a mystery to him or her when light changes from dark to light and back again. It has no choice but to plow forward and continue its path, hauling weight much too heavy for its body and size, yet somehow not its capability.

I reel against these thoughts as I uncap my pen and set about to write. About what? I can't say. The next chapter has no title. The only truth I know is what I can see, the small patch of light, or shadow set onto my narrow and determined path.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Home and Away

It usually takes being away for me to appreciate the sweetness of home. As I have grown older, the shorter and nearer bouts of such away-ness have brought on equal (if not stronger) sense of homeliness in me. The things that normally annoy me about that good-ol' home, the snorting bunny, the squishy old couch, the oddly placed piano, the forever humming fridge... all take on a new voice. It says, welcome home, sweetheart! It says so in the voice of a calm and patient friend, a throaty lover, a cat you've had for so long that you tend to forget her aloof presence except on those days you stayed home sick and she curled up next to you, lowering your stress and fever with her quiet purring, and her warm, soft fur brushing against your clammy skin.

I returned from an overnight party this afternoon, agitated to go out again after a proper shower and a change into something comfortable. The neighborhood coffeehouse gave me the last of its brew on clearance before closing its doors. So I sat outside in a common area tucked away between two buildings. The management of this urban strip mall had stepped up in the last few years, upgrading it with new storefronts, outdoor seating and water fountains. On one of the newer outdoor couch I noticed a shopping cart parked in a corner, piled high with homeless essentials: backpack, empty bottles, shopping bags stuffed with unseen objects. The lady sleeping next to it was dressed in clean shirt and pants. Her summer hat looked crooked around the edges but also stylish in a way. She covered her face with one arm but I could see her snowy hair and weather lined face. She looked Asian in some ways, like one of those grandmas who had came across the ocean to visit her child and grandchildren. They pushed strollers around the park in the afternoons and did Tai Chi there in the morning. Occasionally you'd see them gather around the stone benches next to the park playground in a pot-luck party, chattering in languages that sounded familiar yet not quite understood.

This woman was alone. Perhaps because of this she seemed to resemble all yet no one ethnicity in particular. I wanted to ask if she needed help, yet she slept soundly, feet propped up on the wooden handle and arms blocking her eyes so I couldn't see whether she was really sleeping or simply tired. I set down with my books and my drink, deciding not to intervene. A few mall workers came by a few minutes later, making a racket with their trash emptying and leaf blowing. When I looked up again the lady had gotten up, grabbing an empty bottle from a neighboring table with the type of slow walk reminiscent of a recovering stroke patient. I tried to walk up to her but the cleaning crew blocked my way, their arms strategically stretched out in front of me wherever I turned as if to keep me from bodily harm. Their equipment covered my voice, and the whole thing seemed a bit fruitless and absurd in the end when I gave up. She wobbled away with her shopping cart towards the back of buildings where no shoppers typically went, her floppy brimmed hat and her polyester mint green pants flapping gently with each step. From this angle, her clothes seemed to be from a thrift store or a discarded donation pile left on the curb on trash days. She disappeared around the bend surprisingly quickly, as when I finally freed myself from the maze of workers stepping all around me I couldn't find her trace. Nothing remained between the white stucco walls of the buildings, and the now clean concrete patio floors, empty outdoor furniture. The whole scene of her being next to me, close enough for a conversation, a touch, had vanished like a dream. When I questioned the workers about her whereabouts, they shook their heads and shrugged their shoulders the way my son did whenever I asked him about missed homework, lost jacket after field trips. 

I lingered in the mall for another half an hour, eating a quick dinner that seemed exorbitantly expensive at $11. After that the evening out crowd rushed into the restaurant, surrounding my table with the kind of loud chatter you only find in American restaurants. It was still early, the summer sun high overhead, so I kept my sunglasses on and read quietly until the tide of crowds finally irritated my server, and he asked me for the 3rd time whether there was anything further he could help me. Quickly I paid and left the hubbub of this rich, clean and classy world with free flowing wine and grass fed sirloin burgers piled high next to wild caught Alaskan shrimp bowls.

Home, quiet, unassuming in its worn edges and patient with my ceaseless washing of the old sofa covers, was extra sweet after that. I sighed and cooed into my floppy cushions and ten-year-old blankets. Memories of the homeless lady lingering in the back of my mind like a negative image, fainting into a recess but ready for a special kind of light, to bring it to exposure.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Heat and Pray

When this familiar wave of summer heat arrives, I pray for rain, knowing the chance of an answer is slim. Still I pray at the dawn of each morning, when gray light shifts into the color of fish bellies, before the even brighter shade of sunlit blue blasts into view--all hope is lost. Here in the southern tip of the country, it can feel like we bath in the midst of a hot tongue, the golden center of flames where fire burns at its hottest. Though this is just how a spoiled child talks--someone who has grown so used to blue skies and golden sunshine she has developed a blase attitude towards both. I know in many places things can get worse, hotter, stuffier (even when you go outside there is not the least hint of a breeze like we often get here, nearer to the ocean) and more crowded in so many ways.

Still I dreamt of rain and dark forests and a chill that allows a tighter pull on the covers, until it buries your chin and feeling the official comfort of a proper snuggle. In this dream I also met coworkers with whom I haven't spoken for years so I no longer remembered the angst I felt when I worked with him or her daily. We sipped tea and commented on rain in a way that seemed both realistic yet unfamiliar, tangible yet out of this world. We each carried a backpack and walked around gates that seemed infinite, in and out, around and around, we searched for some elusive tables where we could sign up, register and check off our names so we could move towards the next item in the agenda. Yet the table never appeared so we took breaks and found ourselves instead, a version we'd never met before. It was green all around, cold, soothing. Until it wasn't. A white room appeared for some time. Then again it was no more.

I knew not it was a dream until I woke up so I experienced emotions whose names I can no longer remember but I sense a lingering sweetness in having had the experience.

In the dream we wore the rosy veil of time, like the song says. Or perhaps that too was about something else (La Vie En Rose). But somehow the dream air glossed over faults and rough edges and differences in opinions. The longing to roll back in time became almost unbearable, the rush to win all those dusty trophies we can no longer find in our attics had been so ruthless and singular minded then.

Perhaps there is something else to seek when the morning light finally appeared, gray and white then blue before the golden flames of heat took over. The moment of stillness in the cool gray dawn lasts forever, in how it comes around and around again, for as long as we seek it and see it and remain awake for it, each day. That is something to celebrate, a reason to bear and pray, through the heat.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Fiction: WCKid -- Night

I drank all night.

After three big glasses my feet became numb but happy. Then the happy numb feeling crawled up my legs, torso. It couldn't go much further than that, on account of the hole in my chest--not an actual hole but what felt like one. Gaping, tearing, pressing.

I tired but couldn't cry. The sweetness of that simple release refuted me. Something in me clung to the pain that cut at my chest. It felt like a heart attack. Worse. The pain kept going without making me sick, lose consciousness. Vicious.

Rachel called around seven and asked about summer plans. It had been a year since we talked so I had trouble telling her voice at first. She had moved away three years ago to get treatment for some rare disease and nurse other wounds she couldn't really talk about at the time. I slurred in my words but we managed to catch up and make some promising summer visiting plans. Her voice sounded like mercury, slow, smooth and calm, stilling me through the shakes that was beginning to charge through me in waves. After half an hour, her break time was over and she had to go. I let myself sink slowly back into the aching knowledge of the hole. The teeth that seemed to tear at its edges.

My bottle had turned empty, the last drop burning down my throat before Rachel's call. The night air thickened when the neighbors fired up their grills and their dutiful kids practiced their pianos. A chirp or a bark here and there diluting the sound of traffic from a distant road. Sweet evening sounds, like a symphony, for which I was but an audience. I listened with hunger, absorbed in its warmth, palpable yet far from my touch.

Ned the neighborhood event organizator eventually swing by to ask why I had left the party so quickly. I claimed a headache.

"Headache? You don't sound sick... are you having a party here without us?" He handed me a pizza box, eyes full of mockery.

"Not sick, just a little dizzy from seeing so many neighbors at the same time. I'm a loner. Thanks for the pizza though." I caught the box and lifted it an inch to his direction in a half-ass attempt of a salutation.

"No problem. We are neighbors. Like family." He winked, patting my legs and leaving his hands on my thigh. I wore a long skirt. The fabric didn't hold up to the heat emitting from his hand, spreading and thinning until it felt like nothing sat between his skin and mine. I felt all the liquor swishing in my head, making sharp noises no one but I could hear. I saw blue and black squares tangled up with the fading sun, or a memory of it, like blood around the edges of a darkening lake, swimming and sloshing in front of my eyes. Ned's hand felt closer and the noise grew louder, the shapes moved faster. I gave him a desperate look, staring hard at the gold wedding band on his other hand. I had seen the way he walked around the complex with his wife, his hand on her waist, occasionally slipping down a few inches and squeeze into her sari hugged curves. I stared hard at his ring, and imagining the two of them walking, imagining his wife looking up at me with her large eyes framed in dark charcoal. She had a lovely round face with a red dot between lush eyebrows. They called it the third eye at the Yoga World.

I stayed still like that for what felt like an hour, meditating on Ned's presence outside of my apartment and his wife staring down at him. Finally he shook his head and said, "well, it's late." Then he gave a small wave and shoved off.

I stared out my window, my back in a thin film of cold sweat, soothed by the singularity of night colors. Black tree limbs. Dark sky. Then the wind blew and the moon rose up and swam through currents of clouds, winking playful winks at me. It was full. That might have accounted for all the craziness. I had thought Michael cared a wink, not like the others. He dropped off items on my porch since that time we watched a movie together and... almost kissed. But even before I hurt my legs, I couldn't claim to have known how these things worked. It could have all been in my head, pure imagination. 

When I blinked again the moon hid and for a long while I couldn't see its face. The wind was high so the cloud thinned like skimmed milk dissolving into water. Still it hung around like a veil.  Sounds recede so suddenly it reminded me of horror scenes from low budget films. Then my ears adjusted and tuned into the quieter music of the night. Insects buzzing, moon light splashing against shiny palm fond, traffic from a road not too far away but muffled by several community walls. They faded too, over time, leaving me alone with my thoughts, wondering whose windows may still be open, like mine.

I stuffed up my ears when the sound of Michael and his woman smacking lips and moaning pushed through the quiet evening air.

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